What can I say? I'm a LOST loser. My highlight is what will happen and how it will happen, the cast must return to the island....I wonder what will happen...As I wriite this, I'm having cognitive dissonance....and I don't know why....Lost, will you please rescue me!!

It's amazing how even my boring life can keep me busy. Yeah, busy procrastinating and realizing how sad a show can really bring meaning to your living hours....I'm walking like a zombie hoping that LOST will redeem me (and itself, though Season 4 has shown that) in the end....

Next month isn't too far away, but waiting towards the end of it is almost just as bad as waiting for Christmas 2009!!!! I need my fix....and I need it now!!!

Every time I hear people say the word LOST, my heart does a cartwheel...only realizing that the new season (last?) won't arrive until next year! I haven't heard much people care anymore which is sad...I did read, if this is even newsworthy, that the creators are changing the direction of the story somehow...I knew they had a preconceived conclusion...Now that I hear this, I'll never know what was their original concept for the show....Which in itself is aggravating...I want closure...authentic, real, original! I'll have to read newsbytes and interviews I guess once the show is over to gain insight to what the creators initially envisioned...

As for the waiting, I'm gathering stones and spelling............S.O.S.!!!!

I'd like to think I am pretty friendly. HOwever, I am quite shy at times, particularly with certain people depending on how we connect. But often I feel like Clark Kent, always thought of as a wishy washy nerd, someone who can always be talk down to and made fun of. When it's between people I know respect me, I know the jest is in fun. HOwever, joking sounds a lot more like sarcasm among others who I don't really get along with.

But have you ever noticed lately how just the act of being nice and civil to each other, even just manners seems to have gone out the window?...There's just too much gossiping these days. Even the media has encouraged this as entertainment. I don't know. Perhaps I'm old fashioned. But I find that with my disgust of the lack of being nice and the lack of civility amongst us, I find I too begin to dwindle in paying kindness forward. I feel like I'm holding a grudge against the person who has wronged me, and so if they haven't been nice or showed some act of kindness, theN I tend to withhold the kindness they deserve...

Perhaps this is the challenge that we need to face when loving our neighbors as well as our enemies. God knows I always pray for strength when I grow frustrated and angry, as though I'm never appreciated. I fear too that others talk about me behind my back, for whenever I try to suck in my pride and crossover that line to be nice or even approachable, I am rebuffed or looked at funny. So I keep my distance, at the risk of looking snobbish or indifferent to others' needs, desires, interests.

In fact, I grow angry when people make lies against someone, such as myself the other day at work. I was following protocol for a procedure to be done, and I was flat out told that I should next time follow instructions in asking for the department to perform it.....I was flabbergasted. Was this a manipulative way of trying to get out of a job I simply asked for them to do?.....HOw dare they say I didn't follow directions...It makes you wonder if there are some bad spirits passing around the bad mojo around....Something just ain't right when people who are supposed to help you, people you're supposed to trust...start acting against you..

Yes, the art of kindness seems to have bee lost

Question to ponder:

Do I choose this life....

Or did this life choose me....

There are many things I can recall from childhood to adult hood that I have lost that affected me greatly at the time they were gone. My first lost would be trivial by today's priorities in my life, but then was astronomical. Heavily into music, I was given a portable Fischer-Price tape player/recorder. I took it everywhere with me, and only had it for a month before I had misplaced it in a SEARS department store. I can't believe how sickening it felt so young to have lost something, however material it was.

Then later in grade school, I would see how bonds of friendship could turn on me. Both losing a friend and a trust in another friend made me very wary of new relationships and made me very sensitive in getting close to anyone. It made me feel as though I deserved all the bad luck in the world. And though I felt I had regained friendship in high school with friends still yet one or two years younger than I, trust would be tested again suspecting one or both of them of stealing my most beloved bike. Trust had been lost from that point onward.

If that were not enough, being a teenager didn't make things any easier. It brought light to what would become my onset depression a word for my sadness I had even as young as 5 but could not articulate it as such at that age. Devastating mood swings a crying episodes in the closet made me realize what it feels like when happiness is lost. Then to have something later in high school to bless me with a responsibility of caring for someone spiritually only to have that taken away, someone who himself told me I was very talented and a very good person. To have that taken away from you, to have compassion taken away from you, it feels that all hope in trust, faith, and love had been gone....Even more devastating is losing a friend you thought would be there forever only to realize you never really mattered as much to him/her at all.

Writing this makes me feel sad and depressed, as if reliving the whole events of my life....But I continue moving forward....Like the unfolding mystery of LOST, its viewers unsure how it will end, I continue to press on - through my good and bad episodes in the private television series that is my life. I will not put myself off the air. I will continue to tune in because the greatest resolution is knowing why I suffered all those losses in the first place...Any premature cancellation on my part will ruin all the reasons behind my suffering......

What I have lost in the past may in fact lead me to what I will gain in the future.

From now on, I will try to retain the theme of LOST with real life situations and experiences I am going through. THe above picture is one of James Dean, one of my former interest idols I adored -until Potter fever came to play, particularly ever since I saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. As I do not considered my self truly a hard core fan as people who are heavily into the texts, I will have to save my intentions of creating a Potter site for another time....

But back on Lost. The above picture sure says a lot in terms of internal emotions. Then again, aren't emotions more internally expressed than externally? Perhaps not. It could be a combination of those, for outside factors can also affect our inner feelings and the way we see the world. I just love this picture because it shows a man that is both strong to try to deal with his inner problems on his own unable to express them, but also vulnerable at the same time not knowing how he's going to survive with these feelings bottled up....And in his cowboy get up, it resembles a lot of the inner turmoil of Ennis played by Heath Ledger, the late actor often compared to James Dean though I could never see him as legendary as him. I believe James Dean invented what it means to be a teenager. The jeans, the insecurity, the need to fit in, the problems with parents as seen in Rebel without a Cause....It isn't surprising that I fall back on this '50's icon here since this web site was once dedicated to James Dean alone. But then I got distracted, bored, and everything in between....But this picture just says it all...a person lost and unable to know where to go next.

Haven't we all felt that way?

Since LOST is on another hated hiatus...I have to resort to being more creative with this website. And even though my favorite character on the show has died, I refuse to take the route of paying an homage to him by listing all his character centric episodes and references within the show. I refuse to be one of those crazed obsessed fans, no offense to those currently reading who might be

Anyway, what to do with this site in the meantime. I hate to modify it in the end kicking myself knowing that LOSt concluded strongly and I have nothing to put my cyber footprint to mark the occassion and the feelings that it evoked...BUt that's the future, this is now. I cannot go back or forward in time like a LOST flashback or flashforward, though I can see why we might NOT be allowed in real life to know our futures. LOST has shown me that the future can be dirty and scary and all those good stuff that just reverses your thinking about things you thought you once knew...Life creates so many mazes and just one turn suddenly you're either back where you started or stuck in a corner unaware how you got there...The choice is there though....stay still forever or keep trying to move forward.

And thus, I think this is the real message of the show, perhaps not as distinctly expressed. Perhaps that is why the first season appealed to me. It was like a spiritual awakening within, trying to discover our inner strengths and facing our weaknesses and hoping that armed with that knowledge you've grown wiser, stronger, perhaps more understanding about yourself and others. Sure there are times you just want revenge coz others (i.e., the Others of LOST) have taken things from you you can't have back, but the decisions one chooses to deal with that anger can actually define and build personal character...or if bad decisions are made, it can destroy you and make you a bitter person unable to forgive...But everyone has their choices. Sometimes it is easier to want to forget than to forgive.

For instance (heads up to my fellow LOST fans who know what I mean), we love to forget the characters Paulo and Nikki, now buried in the sand, the only deaths outside of the Others I knew I celebrated. Now, can I forgive the writers for creating them? Perhaps they still cannot forgive themselves -lol.... But joking aside, what this show did for me, at least in the onset, was made me think about our reality as more than what we see. There is a superficial reality, the small talk, the hello's and the goodbyes, the birthday parties, the weddings, hell, even the breakups, divorces, and the funerals. But somehow, deep within, there's got to be more than this superficial small talk reality. There's the deep spiritual essence I believe of an invisible force. Whether you believe in God, as I do, or not, all of this culminates not into nothingness. The irony perhaps is that LOST will end in a way that helps us all find ourselves, no really FIND ourselves as we are, flaws and all. Weaknesses and strengths. Fear and courage. Betrayals and loyalties. Hate and love.

But oh most importantly love. Whatever form you are able to find it, hold on to it, for only when these things are gone, when all that you held on to has changed..good or bad-.you must not let go of your ability to love. When it has gone, remember the love you felt then. HOw that person or people made you feel GOOD about yourself. Take THAT feeling and not its opposite to fuel how you approach others. The greatest regret I feel is love that has been LOST, but I believe in honoring its memory by continuing to love others the way I know I struggle to do but know is the right thing to do.

So, do not find yourself lost without love, for without it you will be lost.

(c) a. l. madde.

I fear that I'm beginning to lose steam in my interest in Lost. I already have lost interest in Heroes so we will see. But anyone please reawaken my love for this show...It needs a shock!

Okay, the above is not referring to the show. I personally love "The Constant" episode. Very emotional ending. Imagine having your life hanging on the balance unless you can make contact with the love of your life you haven't seen or hear from in years!

Anyway, I've not been myself lately. Been depressed and don't know why .....